Better living through compliments
First, look at this. This is Troy Hawke, the alter ego of a standup comedian from England who created the fictional “Greeter’s Guild.” He’s one of my heroes. He stands in public places and greets people, like this:
If you are an introvert like myself, you may be muttering “No way, bruh.” You may feel this kind of thing is way too forward.
Well, I am here to say “Yes way, bruh.” For as forward and outgoing as Mr. Hawke seems, he embodies a technique that both Mari and I, lifelong and avowed introverts, use to spark conversation, make friends, and try to make the world a little brighter when we are out and about.
What is it? One word: compliments.
I’ll tell you all about it. First the news.
What’s going on?
- So, I went to the Crypticon Seattle Film Festival last Friday, and saw some amazing films. Then this happened:
Spread joy with compliments
So Mari and I just got off a 2 week cruise from Fort Lauderdale (the one in Florida) to Southhampton, England. (Is that a humble brag? I don’t even know anymore.)
Anyways, we boarded the ship for the final leg of a nearly 3-month cruise around the entirety of South America – including a loop around Tierra del Fuego. Twice.
So almost everyone aboard already knew almost everyone aboard. We were interlopers. American interlopers, in a crowd that was mostly British and Australian. Yet, within a few short days (short because they change the time zone almost daily when you sail east), we were chatting with – and even befriended by — the old hands.
It started with rubber ducks
One morning early in the trip, there was a gentlemen at a table near ours who walked by us wearing an incredible Hawaiian shirt printed – nay, bestrewn – with rubber ducks. It was by no means tasteful, but it was a statement. Mari and I are big fans of statements. So as he walked by, Mari beamed up at him and said, “I love that shirt!"
His serious face instantly broke into a smile. He stopped and we had a fun little chat about Hawaiian shirts in general, and ducklings in particular. Ice broken! A genuine chat! We made that guy’s day, and we had fun, too.
This was just one example of a something we practice whenever we’re out of the house. Like the signs say in the New York subway system:
If you see something, say something
Specifically, when I see someone wearing or doing something I think is amazing, I try to tell them. I try to be specific about what it is that delights me:
Hey, I like those sneakers.
Those are fun earrings!
That is a beautiful kite.
Nice catch!
And that’s it. That’s all. As a shy person, I can now smile and scuttle away.
Static electricity for the soul
I just try to provide a spark of shared joy. Nothing more. Sometimes, I may start a conversation. Most times, I'll get a smile, a nod, or a “thank you.” Often, I get no reaction at all, not because they didn’t like the compliment, but because they may be just as shy as I am.
And all these reactions are OK. The important thing is, I provided the spark. I have no idea what warmth may bloom from it later.
I try to avoid “creepy"
I try to compliment what is public about the person. Not just what is visible, but what people may be willing to share. For me, that means, clothes, actions, and shared experiences.
(In my experience, a person’s body and even facial expression is theirs, and they may not be ready to have them commented on. I mean, come on, I’m starting out as a stranger – a male stranger – and there are times it’s most appropriate to stay quiet and give the other person their space. And obviously, I try to compliment the taste and style inherent in a person’s clothing choice, and not necessarily the fit or the body underneath. I mean, I don’t care how good someone’s butt looks in those jeans, commenting on that would catapult me to instant “creeper” status.)
At one point on the ship, Mari and I got onto an elevator where every other couple was in a gown or black-tie formal wear. We were both dressed nice, but those guys were on a whole ’nother level. So I commented aloud, “Man, I never thought I’d feel underdressed in a gray suit.” That got smiles. They had all gone to some bother to show up in those clothes, and I had just told them that I saw they had dressed up, and that they looked good.
When you’re at the same event with a person, you already have a point of commonality, an intersection of your Venn diagrams. I first noticed this years ago at a horror film festival, when I commented on a fellow attendee’s BPRD t-shirt. They were delighted that I a) recognized the logo, and b) thought it was cool. And once we started talking, others around us joined in. They all seemed happy that someone else had done the hard work of starting a conversation.
The same thing happened on the ship after we commented on the awesome Shirt of Many Ducks. The people at the tables around us saw that we were the kind of people you could talk to. Within days we were starting to converse with a lot of new folks.
It’s a way of practicing gratitude
Complimenting stuff that delights me isn’t just some semi-cynical tactic to “win friends and influence people.” It’s also a way of reminding myself to keep an eye out for the unique beauty that lives in every person I meet.
In fact, you can even change the phrase “if you see something, say something,” to “if you like something, say something.” And when you then comment to someone that they have done or donned something that delights you, you spread that delight and encourage the kind of behavior you might like to see more of in the world.
Fun facts to know and share
It’s mostly music!
You ever hear a song that you didn’t like performed in a way that made you like the song? Me, too.
You know the phrase “painfully funny?” This.
Who would have thought that Star Wars could produce a) such an emotionally charged scene, and b) such a dance banger? (Andor is the best show on TV right now.)
It’s a long video, so at least watch the two 1-minute breakdowns of songs by the Chemical Brothers and from Fatboy Slim. The memory and musical ear needed to create songs like this is remarkable.
Dan McQuade
I know, it’s not music. But it is Corgis.
Over to you
In the last newsletter, I asked what sections of the newsletter were your favorites. Here’s what you said:
- Main essay
- Fun Facts
- Intro
- What’s going on?
- Over to you
This is very helpful to me, to confirm what I should spend time on. Big thanks to everyone who participated.
Since the last poll was so helpful, here’s a new, even shorter one!
Again, these polls are a huge help for me, and I greatly appreciate your time.
Until we talk again, I remain,
Your pal,
Jamie