BDSM for your phone

Your phone is not the boss of you. Your apps are not free-range chickens, allowed to constantly peck at you. It’s time to make them earn your attention.

Soon after I concluded my “constantly iPad” experiment, I started a new one: taming my iPhone. I wanted a quietly helpful connectivity tool instead of a constantly chirping little brick of bad news, pop-ups, and red flags. It’s a work in progress, but as experiments go, it’s been pretty useful so far.

I’ll tell you the whys, whats, and hows after the news.

What’s going on?

• I’m going to Jazz Camp! I’ve been accepted into the Vocal program at Jazz Port Townsend at Fort Worden, Washington (the place that appeared as the training base in An Office and a Gentleman). I am both stoked and terrified. I’ve been working to get my voice back in shape, and it feels like archaeology. So much digging.

Calm Technology? Technology? Calm?

I started thinking about my relationship with my phone after reading Calm Technology: Principles and Patterns for Non-Intrusive Design by Amber Case. She describes calm technology like this:

If good design allows someone to get to their goal with the fewest steps, Calm Technology allows them to get there with the lowest mental cost.

The lowest mental cost. Which made me think: what was the mental cost of carrying around a device full of apps that displayed little red badges assigning numerical values to my guilt?

I didn’t want my iPhone to be a source of anxiety. I didn’t want it tagging along as an easy and attractive alternative to being present, to actual work, or, when appropriate, sleeping. I wanted to use it both less and better.

It was time to take steps. So here’s what I did.

I thought about controlling my iPhone use through self-discipline

Yeah, that wasn’t going to work.

I though about switching to a dumb phone

Flip phones are still a thing, and there are even new phones being made that are designed to be “dumb.” But I didn’t want to reject smartphone technology, I just wanted it to serve me, not me serve it.

I briefly tried an app called Dumbify, which was a bare bones app launcher that made my phone’s Home Screen look like this:

As clean as this was, it was still just an extra layer over the seething mass of voracious apps beneath. So I moved on.

I looked at the iPhone’s built in control tools

The iPhone has features that let you control your apps' access to you (Focus) or your access to your apps (Screen Time). I did set up Focus to reduce my phone’s pings, beeps, and flashes at night. And the temptation to dig into both of these features to build a perfectly customized interface that smoothly hid or displayed what I needed based on time and location was irresistible.

Then I remembered the Salt Water Aquarium principle: the fancier the aquarium, the more time you have to spend maintaining it. And the worse it smells if you don’t.

I didn’t want my phone to become a salt water aquarium I had to constantly tweaking. I wanted systemic change.

So I dug in and made three big changes in particular. None of these were complicated. Each one helps all on its own. And, like an iPhone Voltron, they combined to revamp how I use my phone.

Step one: I got mean and culled my apps

I thought about what I really need the iPhone for, and kept just those core apps:

Phone calls and messages

Well, obvs. I carry my phone with me so I can contact others, and they can contact me. That’s Job One.

Finances and security

Passwords, 3-factor authentication, and the ability to respond quickly to suspicious activity on my accounts. I like having that access.

In the car and traveling

Maps, Uber, bus schedules

Doing chores and gardening

Music and podcasts

Looking stuff up

Browser (currently DuckDuckGo), Wikipedia, and iMDB

I removed every other app I had. Everything. Deleted. Gone.

Yes, it was scary. Yes, there were apps I got rid of that I decided to reinstall, like Calendar and my task Manager. But reinstalling was easy. And speaking of scary:

OMG, Jamie — what about email?

Yeah, that was a biggie to let go. I figured I really only need to read/answer email 1-2 times a day. So I made that an intentional task I do on my desktop system. Email has a time because email has a place. And that place is not my pocket. I reinstall email when I travel and won’t be at my desk. And then I remove it again when I get home.

The app cull alone gave me an almost immediate sense of relief, like when a nearby leaf blower turns off, and I realize I've been unconsciously hunching my shoulders waiting for it to end.

Doomscrolling and mindless gaming also stopped because there was nothing to easily scroll and no mindless games. (Bluesky and the NYT crossword are testing me, though.) I’ve installed other apps since then, but they are all quiet, temptation-free denizens of my iPhone.

Deletion is a privilege

I recognize that we’re not all in complete control of what apps stay on our phones – work, children, caregiving, they can all make demands on our time, attention, and app selection. So no app cull will be clean and complete. And that’s okay. That’s the territory.

Luckily, even “unfortunately necessary” apps can be quieter and better behaved. Because of this next step.

Step Two: I turned of all unnecessary notifications

Not every app needs to send you alerts. A lot of apps don’t need to talk to you at all. And those little red badges of death? I only let a very few of my apps use them. Every other app has to wait for me to ask.

It was easy to decide what apps get to talk to me when. I selected Notifications in the Settings app.

Then I scrolled down and reviewed what apps had what permissions. And I turned off Allow Notifications for most of them. But not all. And even when I allow notifications for an app, I tune how and when it alerts me. For instance, here are the Notifications for the Phone app. It gets everything:

Step 3: I focused my Home Screen with Widgets

I used to have three screens full of little icons for every app on my phone. I got rid of them all. (The icons, not the apps – you can delete just the icon without deleting the app itself if you touch and hold the icon and select Edit Home Screen.)

Then I filled my Home screen with Widgets showing just the info I want at a glance: weather, my calendar, and whatever’s playing in my earphones. And of course Phone and Messages:

So when I look at my phone, I’m only looking at the stuff I usually want it to tell me. If I need to use another app, I just swipe left to see the App Library. Every app on my phone is there, presorted into topic folders. That old app clutter is gone.

And this minor extra step of swiping to the App Library is a moment to ask “is this really something I need to do now, or should this wait till I’m back at my desk?” A reminder that maybe I should get back to being in the moment.

Bonus Step! Hold my calls – well, not all of them

I’m not going to say this one feature changed my life, but it does save me from being interrupted by nuisance calls 2-5 times a day. Select the Settings app, scroll down and select Apps, then select Phone from the list. Scroll down and select Silence Unknown Callers. Here’s what it does:

For me, this works a treat, though I can see some folks may need to stay more accessible. Again, you’re the boss of your iPhone, so you have the ultimate say on all this craziness.

Fun facts to know and share

Ryo Minemizu Illuminates the Incredible Diversity of Plankton Off the Coast of Japan

For Japanese marine photographer Ryo Minemizu, some of the world’s tiniest creatures prove to be the most awe-inspiring.

ColossalKate Mothes

The ‘beige Amazon influencer’ lawsuit is headed for dismissal

Can you copyright a vibe? No, at least for now.

The VergeMia Sato

The Collective Power of Ants

A group of ants beats a group of humans at problem solving

NautilusCharles Digges

“The Autumn, She’s Been Hit!” The wish that changed Halo forever — Twenty Thousand Hertz - The stories behind the world’s most recognizable and interesting sounds.

In the late ’90s, Brian Johnson and Brian Morden were suburban teenagers obsessed with video games and music. And then, through an extraordinary wish, the two friends found themselves on a journey that made gaming history. In this episode, we explore how a single line of dialogue became a timeless p

Twenty Thousand Hertz - The stories behind the world's most recognizable and interesting sounds.Kelly Nowels

Over to you

These aren't exactly ground-breaking tech tips. I just wanted to show you what worked for me, in case you want to roll your own.

Speaking of which, how’s your relationship with your smartphone? (Yes, it’s a relationship.) Let us know how you two crazy kids are getting along in the comments.

Until we talk again, I remain,

Your pal,

Jamie